We are Human Beings not Human Doings. Sometimes being means we just have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
I used to be in almost constant motion- a million things to do. Some people still say that about me and it might be true but a lot of what I do now, I do sitting.
years ago, before the spinal cord injury, before the depression, there was always something that HAD
to be done: dishes, housekeeping, shopping, dog walking, writing, working, etc.
But in the last several years, I have had to learn how to live differently. I have had to find the ability to live with
the enormity of what I can’t control and what I don’t know. I’ve found that, in
reality, very little HAS to be done. The living room does not have to be
dusted today; the dishes can wait, the third draft of that article does not
have to be written at three in the morning.
unable to do a lot of anything that didn’t need to be done, I did the
impossible. I lowered my standards and
changed my perfectionist expectations. I quit looking for that place where the
happy medium resided- that spot where there is no discomfort between my need to
slow down and desire to fulfill my commitments and meet my responsibilities.
sometimes tell me I am strong or brave or both when I talk with them about my
daily struggles, which I don’t often do. They tell me I am deal with it all incredibly well.
But I am not strong or brave or particularly
collected about my disability. I just don’t see any other way around dealing
with it except to deal with it in as straightforward a manner as I do with other things.
do not always see how resentful, apathetic and hateful I can be about the pain
and the other issues that come from having an invisible disability such as
They don’t always see my struggle
to stretch in some places while learning to accept who I am now, how I am now,
in others. They do not always know I am not always people friendly. It still is not always easy to accept my
limitations or recognize when not to give of my time or energy just because I
think I should be able to or because I used to be able to.
so I must sometimes depend on the people around me to teach me what I must
My friends and loved ones help me to learn what I can and cannot give
them and when by remaining accepting, loving and honest. They remind me that it
doesn’t matter how far or how fast I move- only how much of myself I bring with
me on the journey.
uncloaks in shadow and is more easily seen in darkness than in light. I’ve
discovered that if I was to find the wisdom to live with what I couldn’t
control, what I didn’t know, what was painful and still choose life, I had to
be willing to meet her in the dark, scary places. Wisdom was there, in the
moment when it seemed impossible, when I thought I had nothing more to pull
from; she was there in the darkness, pushing me far beyond where I thought I
reveals to us what we cannot control or change, shows us what is hard to know
about who we are and our spot in the world. She scratches at what we think we
know until we are submerged in the largess of the mystery of life- all the
while asking that we choose to experience the gorgeous moments life offers and
live full, rich and wide lives instead of just hanging on, surviving or
what people see as bravery or strength is really surrender. It is a blatant refusal to
close my eyes and heart and a choice to stay awake while I am sometimes tossed
around like a ragdoll by what I can’t control. It is a choice to surrender to
what needs to be done without fighting it, worrying over it, or adding to the
discomfort with unnecessary anxiety or anger. It is working at finding a way to simply live with the discomfort,
accepting it without struggle or the expectation of resolution. It is hard
we surrender, when we cease fighting life when Wisdom calls upon us, we are
miraculously carried and the strength to do what must done, the grace to live
with the unlivable finds us. It’s only then that something can enter- there in
the place where there is no trying. There is only being and doing what needs to be done anyway.