Life Goes On

Life changes fast.

Life changes in the instant.

You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.

The question of self-pity.

~Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking

I’ve been thinking long and sometimes hard about how I would begin this blog post after so long an absence from my own blog; after my voice has been absent so long from it. The easiest way to begin, I think, is to provide you with a brief outline of sorts of the last few months of my life and go from there.

I used to come here with some definitive idea in mind, a story or a news item.to share. Today though, I’ve arrived ready to write with nothing more to share than my thoughts about the last few months, as I roll up my sleeves and begin to shape and mold the blob of clay my life currently represents.

 April 26, 2010

My life implodes; my world implodes with ten little words:  “I don’t know if I’m in love with you anymore”. D (formerly referred to as Manthing in this blog) has been unhappy a long time and doesn’t know if he wants to stay together. He says this calmly, his tone matter of fact, as though I should have known it all along and seen it coming.

May 29, 2010

I discover, quite by accident, that D has been texting a female online friend daily for months.

May 1, 2010

Tchocthke, my beloved familiar, constant companion for 18 years; my cranky feline matriarch suffers a heart attack in my arms and dies.

May 10, 2010

I discover, again by accident, D has placed several phone calls to this friend. He spends 3 and 4 hours a night, every night, talking online with her, insisting they are only friends and yet stating she makes him happy, makes him feel good and give him what I can’t.

May 18th, 2010

I visit my shrink and we adjust my anti-depressant dosage. I make an appointment to begin talk therapy.

May 24th, 2010

I have my first talk therapy appointment in many years.

May 29th – June 5, 2010

A week’s vacation with D’s family, out of town. D was unusually amiable and gracious; it felt as though it was the last vacation and he was trying to make it as pleasant memorable as possible- for which of us, I’m not sure.

June 23, 2010

Stinkerbelle, our 15 year old cat, part blue-eyed Siamese and alley cat, the tiny kitten we had rescued from a life of living in a garbage can at a trailer park, in the year D and I had first met, died peacefully in her sleep.

July 1, 2010

D sees a therapist, says he doesn’t need to go back, and will let me know what he’s decided in a week after he’s thought about it per the counselor he spoke to once.

July 7, 2010

Fatboy, my 14 year old Pitbull, the pick of Woman’s last litter, one of the best dogs that has ever shared my life, was in too much pain, his tired, old body that had seen so much buoyant, out of control joy was betraying him and so we sent him to sleep.

July 8, 2010

D  informs me he does not want counseling and does not want to stay together anymore. His reasons are still as unclear to me as they were in April; that his trust in me has failed, he doesn’t love me anymore and is intent on finding “someone he can be happy with” and there’s no particular reason why. He is adamant his online “friend” has nothing whatsoever to do with it. I often wonder who he’s trying to convince.

 I can provide this outline because of  the entries in my datebook that mark these events and happenings. If they seem to lack feeling or lustre, it’s because I didn’t really discuss my feelings there. I merely marked time and events because consumed as I was with heartache and disillusionment, I knew I would forget the sequence.

The loss I feel.

I envision it to be a large, deep, black hole that I’ve been looking down into. It is not bottomless but it is deep. I sense it’s bottom more than see it . Most importantly I am not IN the hole. I am not even on the precipice- that place where you cannot step backward nor move forward. Today  I am even far enough away from it to walk around it. But I know it’s there, its spiral close by.

This is not something I want- to end the relationship with the man I was committed to being with for the rest of my life- the man I loved. It wasn’t even my idea. I wanted to work through it so that we would come out better on the other side, as I thought we always had. Yet, even that was illusion it would seem.

And so, I find myself beginning to carve out a new life. I have a little time to make plans and save what money I can. We have to finish the last 6 months of the lease on the house and neither of us can afford 2 rent payments or to pay off the lease. I live on a somewhat fixed income and D isn’t working, having been laid off 2 years ago.

I can use this time to save what I can and move forward. That’s the next right thing to do.

Beyond that…I just don’t know.

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