Amputated

Broken Heart by Starry-eyed Kid

Amputated

Not a mere limb or a finger

But a decade of life feels excised

Removed with a surgeon’s precision

The days we pieced together to form a history

The accumulation of the moments we shared

The symbiosis that has sustained me

Gone

I thought our life together was vouchsafed

One of those premeditated facts

I’d come to love and live with everyday

Like the stars and the moon hung in the silky night sky

Like the sun going through its daily motions

Like the tide ebbing and flowing

They just are.

Once in a while when I’m able to see myself

As more than just the black obliterating pain I feel

More than just the patchwork of band-aids and barbed wire

My heart has become

I hope my suffering is not being squandered

That somewhere inside of me

It is making me more pliant and tender

Expelling some cherished illusion

I must have carried within me

And held about myself like a cloak

Maybe it’s human nature to think one’s own situation

Is the unique and incomparable one

The transcendent exception

I am not special, I am not entitled

My goodness, my kindness

My enlightenment doesn’t set me apart

I’m like all the rest

Carrying around the same

Huge quantities of darkness

Sometimes, I think I want everything to return it to what it once was

To pull you back into the ordinary, loving, care-worn niche

We seemed to have carved out together all these years

But it’s a phantom limb, a residual notion

I don’t know how to return to that place

Or how to make it the same

It cannot ever be like it was

We can never resume our old places

So lately I attempt to lay it all aside

Struggling to stay open and willing to life

Picking my way through unfamiliar terrain

Sadness washes over me with torrential suddenness

It feels cruel and astonishing to know we are ending

Yet I have come to one, irreducible thing

There is nothing to do now but accept

To learn to accept

To lie down every night and accept

Maybe I thought myself beyond it

But in small invisible ways and in large, glaring ones

I’ve tried to complete myself with someone else

To belong all of my life

Now I want only to belong to myself

To be alone with my life

There is an unmistakable new independence

Taking hold, its roots grabbing earth firmly

A self-containment that hasn’t been here before

I have a new abiding loyalty to myself that feels wise

As a woman is wise after a long life of years thoroughly lived

Yet its shoots still young and tender

Something I must cradle and protect

I’m sure someday I’ll be able to think of our time together

Without profound sorrow, without loss, without regret

When all I will really remember is that

We needed to love each other and that union

Brought me a sweetness I had never known

Brought me deeper into life

What is there to regret?

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