Goodbye

131127_0001Did you know they killed Clay on SOA the night you walked out? Ironic.

There are days when I miss you so terribly I think I won’t be able to stand it another minute. There have been those times when I’ve seen you in the store with your skank and I think of how humiliating it was to have ask my doctor to run STD tests because you cheated and lied. Then are days like this that I am only disappointed that you turned out to be everything you said you’d never be.

How could you do that to me all those months? Why did you put me through that?  How could you look into my eyes a week before you planned to walk out and tell me you weren’t going anywhere? How could you tell me how you respected me and couldn’t dishonor me? How could you sit there and lie about loving me after being with your skank?

I gave you my heart and shared my soul with you. And you knew how hard it was for me to do that. You read my father’s letter. You knew how hard it was for me to trust a man. And look what you did with my trust and belief in you? How could you break my heart so easily and leave like I never meant anything to you? I believed in you and trusted you completely until the lies started; and you thought I was so stupid; that just because I didn’t call you on your lies, I didn’t know. I so desperately wanted to be wrong.

I gave you so many chances to be honest with me, to come clean and even after it was all said and done and I told you I knew what the neighbors saw and what your daughter told them, you still chose to lie. All those nights of supposedly taking your daughter to the bus stop and you were going to see your skank. You even made your 7 year old daughter complicit in your deception. And your skank delights in my pain; she revels in it. She is one of the most manipulative, dishonest and truly horrible cowards I have ever met. For all her talk about loving Jesus and living God’s Word, look what she did. There’s not enough Christian Rock or Gospel music in the world to wash her black heart and broken soul clean. Look at what you both did.

A good woman like me comes along once in a lifetime and you blew it. You will never find another woman who will love you as I did- as deeply, as unselfishly, as completely. I didn’t nag, I didn’t bitch like most women I know will. I never left your side and protected you when you were so ill. I adapted and rolled with the punches. You were given a huge gift: the chance to change your life with a woman who believed you hung the moon and you walked out for a hypocritical, skanky, white trash, Jesus freak with a sweaty, greasy, fistful of her dead husband’s money. She is a wasted sack of skin and space, breathing someone else’s air. It would appear you both are.

Make any excuse you like. My cats were more important to me than your daughter.  That was never the case and still isn’t. We weren’t getting along- couples usually won’t when one of them is lying and cheating. It wasn’t about your daughter. It wasn’t about me. it wasn’t about my cats.  It was about YOU. This is your shit. You walked out because it got too hard. You walked out because you want someone to take care of you. That was never going to be me, ever. I told you that upfront, right from the beginning. I would’ve walked through hell with you but I wasn’t going to walk through hell for you. You knew that. I’ve already faced down my demons and  the emotional wraiths that plunged my soul into darkness. I conquered them and won. I idiotically believed I could help you do the same- that you wanted that for yourself.

It’s unfortunate that sometimes love isn’t enough. I wanted to be your partner. I wanted to be your safe place to  fall. I wanted to be your one and only. I wanted to be your last love. And I wanted you to be that for me but as it is, I was merely another means to an end to you and that is hard to face but face it I will and move on.

You betrayed me on so many levels and the only responsibility I have in that is in choosing you.  So I’ll change my choices so I’ll be smarter and more aware and hopefully never have to survive another you. I’ll learn to unlove you and continue to be thankful for the good there was.

 I deserve someone in my life who loves me as I love him; who will love me no matter what and is willing to walk through the hard parts together with honesty, integrity and love. Someone who won’t ask me to keep giving without giving back in return. Someone who walks his talk even when it’s hard to do. Someone who really believes I am beautiful, cherishes my love, sees all my flaws, accepts what I am not and knows I am the only woman in the world for him.

So, know this: I will recover no matter what is thrown my way. Justice will be served. I am a good enough person to forgive you but not stupid enough to trust you again.

Goodbye.
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