I keep feeling like it’s been so long, that I need to begin blogging again. Then I think, “But these are my friends; I want to tell them where I’ve been and it’s Thanksgiving.”
Which leads to my thinking about blogging about where I’ve been, what’s been keeping me so quiet. Which feels overwhelming, which means I do nothing about it, then feel like I need to start blogging again. And the whole cycle starts again. I even do it with phone calls.
Except that this morning I realized that what I’d really like to do is just chatter a bit about what’s been going on in life, which is all awesome in the real meaning of the word – “filled with awe and wonder at the power of life” (and not “great” or “magnificent.”) What I really want to do is to just take a breath and catch you up, like we used to do in letters back before email or in those long phone conversations before texting. Remember those? Moments when we would realize it had been so long that we didn’t even know where to begin so we just jumped in where we were at.
Which is what this is – a letter to catch up. And it begins, “Dear Kindred Spirits…”
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Dear Kindred Spirits,
It’s been a while. I’m sorry to have been so disconnected these past months. It sometimes seems as though I can finally eek out some time and then BOOM life happens, taking every bit of the time that might otherwise have been spent connecting.
It started in August. I lost a part-time gig I’d had for 6 years unexpectedly and unpleasantly and then my boyfriend’s stroke mid-month carried with it with some eye-opening revelations and hard choices.
Not surprisingly, there’s stuff around no part-time job, dealing with an asshole property manager in the apartment complex I live in, the frustrations in looking for new employment gigs, the eons old balancing act of having enough time for yourself, someone else and everything else. Yeah. There’s a lot on my proverbial, mundane plate.
What I would have liked was to hole up in some swanky beach-side hotel where Ronnie and I could just hold hands and walk along the shore at sunset and let the surf tickle our toes as we gazed out into the vast expanse of the horizon, all pink and purple. And when we returned to our suite, we’d find a view of the stars and sound sleep in a soft, big bed with fluffy white pillows scented with lavender, lemongrass and vanilla.
However, when that failed to materialize we settled for evening fishing on the river, feeding the ducks at Swan Lake or just sitting on the front porch tossing peanuts to the squirrels while chatting with neighbors in between doctor and rehab visits.
Most mornings, I meditate and pray and commune with my Spirits Known and Unknown over a mug of coffee. It became apparent my Spirit needed more room to stretch, to move, to grow. This meant going inside AGAIN and shining a light on the corners of my heart and mind, where things can get dusty and go overlooked. So, I did what was next and went about the business of kicking up some dust in my soul.
I did some Block Buster work not realizing the last retrograde was about begin and so when I asked my Spirits to remove all obstacles, I wasn’t exactly expecting to have to look at acceptance and forgiveness again.
I had no idea how much work I had to do on these. I mean, I had already spent LOTS of time working on these things and yeah, I knew I still had some stuff floating around in those dark corners, but I hadn’t realized just how MUCH resentment and disappointment was there, rolling around like dust bunnies on a dimly lit staircase. As I’ve showed up to work on this spiritual tidying up, I was expecting to find more fear. However, I’ve discovered that now what sits at the very bottom under all those layers of old resentment is often nothing but a pile of my own shame- shame for all I am not, shame for not being perfect, shame for not seeing what was plainly right before my eyes, shame for having been taken advantage of, ad nauseum.
So instead of trying to fix all of those negative feelings and get them out of me, which rarely works, I’ve been making all kinds of interior space to allow those feelings to just be- to be revealed, to give them space to hangout, to be accepted and to forgive myself for for my own perceived character defects and shortcomings.
In other words, all my work on accepting and forgiving others has unexpectedly turned into a exercise of self-empathy- which sounds easy but isn’t- and has by unintended extension, transformed into feeling greater empathy for everybody else, as well…mired as we all are in our scarred up hearts and sometime skewed human minds.
This has, ultimately, led to a great and sudden diminishing of old resentments.
And a deeper acceptance of others paths and energy fields. I have enough trouble (I remind myself) managing my OWN energy field. So I focus on the one person in the world I can somewhat control (ME) and work at staying the hell out of everyone else’s business. Even my boyfriend’s, which is really HARD.
Because the fact is: as long as I am focused on other people’s stuff I’m leaking energy, when I really need to be focusing on my own power, my own life that can be hard enough to manage, and has its own set of stuff that requires my full attention.
Consistently, I am offered choices of several ways to handle some of the most painful situations in my life. Consistently, I choose unconditional love, which requires a certain amount of forgiveness and acceptance.
So I’m thankful I’m still teachable; I’m grateful I’m learning; I’m blessed because my cup runneth over. Because, like y’all, all I ever want is to be more free.